'Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.' (Anyone who's worked for a big bureaucracy will appreciate that one. Corollary: don't work for big bureaucracies!)

From: Lanny V Grade
Sent: Monday, September 03, 2007 9:50 PM
To: Chuck Oates
Subject: FW: LAWS OF LIFE

I thought you might be able to use these.

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Subject: Fw: LAWS OF LIFE

THE LAWS OF LIFE

& Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

& Law of the Workshop

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the  stupidity of your act.

& Law of the Telephone

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

& Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

& Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& Law of Coffee

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Rugs/Carpets

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Location

No matter where you go, there you are.

& Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law 

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law  

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.  (this one is true every time!)

& Doctors' Law  
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.  Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

1. A day without sunshine is like ... night.
2. On the other hand . you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics ... are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers ... give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last . thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8.  The early bird may get the worm ... but the second mouse gets the cheese
       in the trap.
9. ! Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10.  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11.  Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines.
12.  If you think nobody cares ... try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed ... of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way... you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be ... without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar . but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death .. twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
       hell happened?"
22.  Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
       bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. -
        What you do today might burn your #$% (posterior) tomorrow.